“I just want privacy”–This is a typical line we all have screamed or told our parents in a heated argument. But of course the one simple line either got our phones taken away or the bedroom door off the hinges.—— Now imagine your phone or the door is your husband and the parents are your in-laws. 

In a South Asian household; joint family to be exact, there is no such thing and never will this “privacy” thing to exist. In-laws will always want to know what is going on at their son’s in-law’s house, want to know every fight between their son and his wife. The real truth behind is how well your husband protects your privacy. Living in a joint family can be difficult, there will be disagreements, shadow arguments, silent treatments and so on. At the end, the daughter-in-law gets the blame so how much will the husband save his bad side of marriage from his parents instead of exposing every word and every argument to his family.

In-laws, for the love of your own son, there is and always will be a limit to how much you can interfere in your son’s life. Let him grow-up and in fact, as soon as you accept your daughter-in-law, things will be better & nothing will change. Stop having your son tell you everything about his wife, she is not your toy to bring home, kick around, use and hurt her. 

your daughter-in-law did not marry you, she is not obligated to do or tell you anything about her privacy. In-laws do yourself a favor as well, tell your sons to STOP exposing every detail to you. A wife/daughter-in-law privacy is a right not something for you to destroy. 

Every day there is either someone dying or someone is giving birth

Someone is graduating school late or getting a high-paying job

Either someone is finally taking the next step to get better or someone’s health got worse. 

….

Either someone is getting married or getting a divorce… 

Welcome to the South Asian community where you are either married to your true love forever or you are divorced, but never in between. S.A community is still known to let go of their daughters and sisters because of the culture from centuries. It is truly heartbreaking that even though everyone knows a woman is in an abusive relationship, they all have to stay quiet instead of helping. 

Here, let me explain what I mean. 

Culture in the South Asian community is like a newborn baby, it was actually created to treat it like a newborn baby. You have to love it, cherish it, care for it, and even respect it. It is an understandable thing that our grandparent’s parents, grandparents, and even our own parents have created an environment where it was safe for them, but it wasn’t completely safe when their mindset was actually creating problems for girls who were or are married. 

The backward culture is still alive and I’ll be the first one to admit, it is truly sickening how keeping girls quiet from day one can cause death. Instead of letting go of “honor” or so-called “family respect” why not save our sisters and daughters from being away from their family forever? 

To our lovely great-grandmothers, grandmas, and even our own mothers, to the bottom of this generation’s hearts, we solely apologize for who we have become and why we have become this way. In the most respectful manner that you have raised and taught us, silence will never be the right choice for our women who are divorcees, going through a divorce, have become single mothers, and even going through an abusive relationship. As a daughter… your daughter… I will fight for every woman who has gone through what you and I have witnessed and even for the ones who have seen worse. It will be over my dead body if I ever let another living men hurt my sister. Apologizing for my own respect and honor is something I will never be ashamed of, so to all my S.A Grandmothers and mothers out there, please for the sake of God, bring back and accept your daughters back home because I can promise you with my true heart that seeing her alive is going to be way more important than seeing her pale face that was caused by the one that kept her silent.

Many times in life you have to make decisions based on what is right, that way you don’t jeopardize someone else’s respect, reputation, or even honor… This happens a lot when culture is involved in situations that will only “save” someone’s way to continue their life and show their face to the world. Religion will never be part of any kind of topic, discussion, or even in any kind of setting. Culture vs. religion has become a huge controversial aspect in the real life that we Muslims are starting to forget who we really are and start following everyone else just to satisfy the south Asian community. 

Let’s break down the two different mindsets that have created this controversial break that has caused nothing but trouble in the south Asian minds and hearts.  

Culture: In the “modern” days culture has become more about how the South Asian community thinks and their judgment towards one another rather than letting out culture be a safe place to be ourselves, express our peace, or also show our happiness. The South Asian culture depends on the first generation to continue what our grandparents left behind and what our parents want their children to grow into. This is almost as if no one wants to accept that times are changing and they aren’t living in their 80s era. 

Religion: A part of life where your mind and soul should feel safe and secure. In a lot of homes, religion isn’t applied to what is actually happening, what is being said, and what is being talked about. Religion can and is being abused by letting culture take over, possibly on purpose. The mindset of ignoring the rights that are written is what gives the cultural minds a hard heart. Within the heart of Islam, no soul will be able to live knowing change will not occur based on their tongues. 

Instead of separating the South Asian culture and the religion of Islam mindsets, the belief of living life is behind the culture only to prove that people with cultural mindset will never have the heart for Islam nor will they ever know the many rights of Islam.

Within the South Asian culture, there are many opportunities for a woman to live her independence even after marriage… That all changes when culture marriage is and always will be based on what kind of South Asian woman can do to take care of the most basic needs in life, not by what she can do in the outside world where it is “only” men who are allowed to go and live their lives in freedom. Many things in the S.A culture stop many women to be independent, causing them to rely on one person who she is supposed to receive support from. For many people in the S.A community, the cultural mindset will stop many women to receive their education, working, learning to drive, and also speaking up for herself. Which causes a lot of mental health problems in many young women all because of giving the adults the satisfaction in what they believe in from their time period. 

Culture has taken over in many concepts in life which also includes finding a partner or if you are in a relationship, say particularly in a marriage relationship. The pressure of what kind of man or a woman is suitable for your family: are they educated? Are they willing to live alone? Or how are they when it comes to treating extended family members? and the list goes on. Cultural marriage is more of a priority between the two families than the two people who are actually getting or are married… 

In the concept of letting culture and the marriage itself mix in one, there are a lot of emotions within the marriage because of the pressure of becoming the “perfect” daughter-in-law and a wife. As a person, she tells herself it is “okay” as long as the husband supports her, gives her equal love, and listens to her… but that is not the case in the list of expectations she held inside… Mixing the mindset of a women’s “freedom” with the only thing she is “allowed” to be or do as a housewife are two different things. First, she becomes a wife, where the only permission she needs to do anything is from her husband, then she becomes a daughter-in-law where she has no obligation to do anything for her in-laws. From a cultural perspective, a wife isn’t titled to her status but instead, she is entitled to be a “perfect” daughter-in-law.

Keeping in mind, no man or woman is perfect. In a marriage, it is the man’s duty to make his wife perfect for himself and it is the woman’s duty to make her husband perfect for herself. Unfortunately, that is not the case for both ways in the S.A community. When an S.A woman is growing up, her whole life she is told to have a specific personality or behavior in a certain way. Being “too” outgoing means she’s not capable of taking care of the house, she runs her mouth “too” much means she’s being “too smart”, or if she is into fashion, then she is definitely “too” modern. All these things mattered by people that an S.A woman doesn’t even know just to be approved for their son who may or may not have many flaws of his own. 

There was an era in the S.A community where a woman had no rights at all which means there was no way she was allowed to speak up for her rights such as if one was in an abusive relationship, she would have no choice but to stay because she had kids. She was expected to stay quiet through the abuse and let her husband do whatever he wants to do kind of thing. During this time, divorce was a huge taboo as well. If a woman was a divorcee with a kid, there was no second chance of getting married again and expecting another man taking care of another man’s child or children. Back then, a divorcee was as if she was used or just a woman who needs a home with her children or else she is a burden on her parents… Now times have changed, rights are being spoken more than just asking about being respected. No woman will keep her mouth quiet or let some stranger and their family keep them quiet just because they also need respect but when the saying “she is a daughter and she is a sister” is all ignored until she fights for her rights and proves everyone that she is not some low life. 

In the south Asian community, the olden days vs the modern day have changed the times because of the trauma our grandmothers and mothers have held, but now this generation isn’t going to repeat history instead they will continue to fight for what our women deserve for the better, that means if we have to raise the divorce rates in the community.

Hello readers! My name is Hiba and welcome to my blog! to introduce a little about myself, I am an American-Pakistani living in Texas currently in college as an English major; in creative writing. I have always had a passion for reading and writing. Back when I was a junior in high school I started to realize more of my passion in reading and writing, I always had a book in my hand anywhere I went. While my addiction to reading started to grow, I started to write as well. Seven years later my passion for discovering new books and writing has grown more than ever. Like many dreamers, it has become my dream to have my writing published and to inspire as many people as I can along the way.

I always had a thing for experiencing new things and going on adventures. It was my way of expressing my love for the world. Traveling to new places, going on random adventures, and just letting my life go by the flow was something I always saw in myself. Even when it comes to my writing, I always like to experience new ways of sharing my work in different styles.

Starting this blog is a place where I would like to make it a safe place for myself and many survivors who want to speak up from the trauma that has kept them quiet for a while. This is my story on how I left the one thing that I always thought will either change my life for the good or for the bad and luckily I let go just in time to save my life along with my baby.

Sharing my experience through this blog is raising my voice for myself and many young girls who went through or going through the same situation. Bringing awareness about mental abuse, emotional abuse, along the trauma that needs to be spoken about, especially in the desi community. As I start this journey, I hope many of you find your voice and confidence through this blog as well as share your experience with me. Always remember; you are not alone in anything and someone might be walking in your shoes, the only difference is that you are raising your voice for everyone.